It is a rare occurrence, although not completely uncommon, that an ancient artifact so weathered by time should preserve its delicate form. Such was the discovery of Dr. Carmine Woods. The good doctor examined the entirety of his discovery through a magnifying glass; he recorded his findings into his journal:

“This piece resembles a small leather ottoman with two golden phalluses at either end. Between the two phalluses the leather cascades gently, creating a saddle. Sporadic etchings of camels surround the central figure—the guardian.
The guardian, poised with all authority and dignity of a long defeated civilization, brandishes both spear and shield. The shield is decorated so intricately. Question: what tools did the ancients use to etch such fine details? At the center of the shield is a crest, probably tribal, and encircling the crest is an inscription. I am waiting to hear back from the University of Delhi about the inscriptions meaning. At the guardian’s feet is a replica of the piece on which it is etched.”

Dr. Woods would not be waiting much longer. His team members at the University looked forward to all of his findings. They reacted, without haste, when information was required of them. Being a part of the famous doctor’s team was a prestigious role.

Amid the canopy area also waited two bottles of Krug—chilled on ice. Next to that were eight glasses. The crew huddled around the refreshments; they watched the famous doctor work. They whispered high hopes for him. Is this the piece he had set out to find almost four years ago? If so, what would it mean for the doctor? For the university? Mankind? A slight breeze rolled through lifting dust, and hopes.

A voice came over the radio. Dr. Woods struggled to his feet, and walked with a stubborn nonchalance to the communications booth. “Go ahead,” he said, and listened intently. “I see,” he said, and placed the microphone back into its holster. “We have found it.”

The team quietly threw their fists into the air with great enthusiasm. Two of the team members participated in a windmill high-five. Not one of them touched the champagne. Dr Woods went to his journal, and began to write:

“The linguistics team at the university has just confirmed the inscription. This piece is ‘The Sex Toy of the Ancients.’ The man is ‘The Guardian of the Sex Toy of the Ancients.’ On the shield the inscription reads ‘The Protector of the Boner of the Guardian of the Sex Toy of the Ancients.’ Tomorrow we begin a new day.”

Dr Woods closed the journal. He turned to his team and sternly said, “Rest up. Tomorrow we find the shield.”

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